[Wei Wuxian throws himself into the kiss in the way opposite of before, when he wasn't an active participant in their past encounters. He tries his best despite his lack of experience, his husband the only one he's ever kissed in his life. Then he moans as the kiss goes on, feeling his legs grow weak and he's succumbing to Lan Zhan's strength once more.
Then, he remembers. The particular weight of those lips, the feeling of that tongue in his mouth, the taste.
Panting as he looks at Lan Zhan through a haze, he thinks he understands.]
Lan Zhan-- at the Baifeng mountain hunt... [That damn hunt. His martial sister and the peacock, and that noisy Jin and all those rumors.] That was you?
[Not a maiden, but Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan is a shy maiden?]
( ...ah. Not, he thinks, what he had wanted Wei Ying to understand, but not an unfair conclusion. Some part of him thinks, he had anticipated the epiphany. The gradual erosion of memory and Wei Ying's own shock at the circumstances of his first kiss might have helped remove it from his general awareness —
But there is a scent, a likeness, a force only Lan Wangji may impose, and he has betrayed himself. So close, he can see the silvered glimmer of Wei Ying's gem-shining eyes, the dark umbrage of his lashes. Wants to kiss him again, to silence Lan Wangji's own heart, and Wei Ying's mouth.
He should learn to lie, urgently and feverishly. Can't. Takes a step back, then another, staring — back nearly stumbling into the privacy screen, gently rattling it. )
[Wei Wuxian's mouth hangs open as Lan Zhan does not deny it, or seem confused at the question, and immediately he knows what the answer is-- what Lan Zhan doesn't say. Lying is forbidden, after all.
He's so stunned that he doesn't know what to do when Lan Zhan moves away, except follow him like a lost puppy. Lan Zhan? Kissed him? Why? He's so reserved, and he doesn't like touching people. He doesn't like people, in general. So why would he do that? Then Wei Wuxian thinks back to their wedding day, their elopement and the discussion they had after. He can only imagine that Lan Zhan did it not only because Wei Wuxian wanted it, but so did he.
That's just...
Returning to Yuan's side, Wei Wuxian buries his face into Lan Zhan's shoulder.]
Don't push me away, or pull back. Just let me be here for a moment.
[He needs a little time to understand this, to adjust his entire worldview. Because things have changed now that he knows this one thing.
( Push him away, pull back. Where might he? There's hardly room between them for words, let alone effort. Wei Ying clings to him, pressure of his warmth a burning mark on Lan Wanghji's back.
He breathes with it. Shutters his eyes. Is, is, is. And startles himself apart and awake, stirring only to peel himself away from the proposition of falling asleep like this, too well comforted. Before him, Yuan has already jumped to that conclusion.
They sit, on the edge of the bed, in perfect, unadulterated stillness. Then, his hand fishes back to clutch Wei Ying's, clumsy. )
You catch cold easier than before. ( Wei Ying's golden core must be no match for the chills of Cloud Recesses. )
Would it be worth asking Lan Zhan how long he's held this torch? When it was lit?
No, perhaps not. Wei Wuxian would just be consumed by guilt and sadness because of all the time they lost, and the childhood they lost when they could have been more than just friends. They could have had more than three bows in their normal clothes. Then he might run out of the Jingshi and into the cold, and then he'd expire without his golden core to save him from the elements. Make Lan Zhan a widower a week after their marriage, and Yuan an orphan. Again.
That's one thing he has to come clean about, isn't it? He's not sure if he can do it right now, unless Lan Zhan pushes.]
Sunshot wasn't kind to me. [Sunshot, not his cultivation.]
( ...no. Sunshot wasn't. The world, after, treated him no kinder.
And yet here Wei Ying is, standing despite everything. A creature of loss and grief and unmistakable triumph, of beauty beyond compare. This hand that squeezes his own is cold, but Lan Wangji's core thrums strong, and his blood warms for two.
He catches his husband's wan, sickly hand, and brings it up between his two, carefully applying friction, and breathing hotly against the fingertips. Once. Again. Whatever their relationship, whatever the day's revelations, what little or much Wei Ying may want of him — friend, foe or lover, Lan Wangji can always offer this. )
It's only one hand. ( Murmured, far too quiet. Beside them, Yuan snores reedily. ) I have two.
[One hand for himself, and the other for...? Yuan, he imagines. He hopes that, when the time comes, he saves their child first.]
Such a strong, caring husband and father. [He kisses Lan Zhan's temple.]
But Lan Zhan, I can take care of myself too. [Even without a golden core, and even if he sets the demonic cultivation that his husband hates so much, he can do something.] No one can beat me when it comes to talismans.
Don't shoulder everything yourself, or you will make your husband cry.
( Purposeful, proud. Perhaps, in its own way, mean. He speaks ill of Wei Ying, of his motives, because was it not mere days ago that this same vaunted Patriarch refused Lan Wangji the pleasure of his company? That he rejected orthodoxy and every step along the righteous path?
It has not been Lan Wangji who has sought distance, but Wei Ying who has proudly, unerringly requested it. Who has softened now, but retains his glacial manner, to call upon at a whim.
Still, Lan Wangji does not relinquish his hand, brings it up to his mouth again. Gives it its rightful worship. )
Sleep. I shall take the floor. ( Better, after the latest revelation, to bide Wei Ying some privacy for himself and his thoughts. )
No. [A swift, immediate answer, punctuated with another squeeze of Lan Zhan's hand.]
You will be in bed with me. We spoke about this before.
[Wei Wuxian uses a tone that brooks no argument. He wants his husband sleeping beside him, in his bed where he should be, rather than on the floor. Wei Wuxian is many things, but not so boorish as to demand a host sleep on the floor while his guest takes the bed.]
Before. ( He agrees, and need say no further: before Wei Ying had his revelation regarding Phoenix Mountain, before he took oils and salves and made himself — pretty, before Lan Wangji foolishly betrayed himself.
Before an innocent visit, barely tarnished by scant kisses, became a marriage in both formality and expectations. Now, strangely, with their bonds known — they should be more distant. Now, they should take their precautions, lest they wound their hearts. )
Will have a second bed brought tomorrow. ( Only, in truth, one evening's discomfort. Cloud Recesses is not so impoverished that they cannot afford such accommodations, no matter the toll of war. )
[There he goes again. Insisting on distance, on keeping himself away when he was the one to invite Wei Wuxian here, to incite many of the things happening. Wei Wuxian is, frankly, starting to get tired of this.]
No, we will sleep on one bed, together. [He stands, clenching his fists, shaking but trying to hold in his grief.]
If you insist keeping your distance for the entirety of my stay, then I might as well return to Yiling right now-- there is no point in putting up with this for a week. Who would ever want their husband to stay away from them for no reason after being asked to come?
( He should compromise, walk back his pronouncement. Engage in some manner of negotiation. But a war's only thieved them of their loved ones, not granted them wholesale maturity. Even Lan Wangji, face marred by a far-deep frown, can be unfairly stubborn.
And so, he snatches his abandoned hand away, staring up where Wei Ying is already looming, without fear or falter. )
Is my company worth nothing?
( That it should be so readily relinquished, if it does not come adorned in kisses and commitments. )
[Oh Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan. Wei Wuxian is so mad, he wants to let it all out, but he can't because there's a child right at their feet. All he can do is hiss out admonishments, his eyes turning red from resentment.]
It's worth everything! I come here willingly for you, at your invitation, and I indulge all of your requests-- and now suddenly you don't want to share space with me? You don't want to touch me?
You make me want your company and then strip it away? You treat me like I'm filthy and unwanted now that I know how you feel?
It hurts. [His breath comes out as a wheeze from the effort of keeping himself contained, the rant unpleasant in his chest and throat. The cold in the Cloud Recesses is difficult enough to handle, but he's also still quite tired from the trip from the Burial Mounds.]
( Filthy. Unwanted. Has anyone said so? Would anyone have presumed? Wei Ying rants and hisses and acts as if he is the perpetual victim of Lan Wangji's wavering loyalties — but was he not the same man who avoided him, previously, at every step?
Between them, Yuan curls up abed, showing faint signs of stirring that only the immediate brush of Lan Wangji's warm hand calms. Soothing, gently easing, sinking back to sleep.
His glance turns away to Wei Ying once more, gilded but gelid. )
Will you be satisfied, having wrenched this from my hands?
You didn't let me think too deeply about it, so how would I know? I know nothing anymore. You're just making decisions without me, even though we're married.
[His words are spiteful and angry-- and a lie. He was already thinking deeply about it, and coming to terms. And thinking back to the time that he imagined it would be all right that he married Lan Zhan, that he could come to love that man the way a proper spouse should. He has all these words, and yet doesn't speak them.
He starts to stride towards his clothes, left near the privacy screen, folded messily but out of the way. Still a bit wet from his escapades in helping Yuan bathe, and the drying not helped by the way they were handled. The overcoat itself is drenched and unfit for keeping anyone warm.
He'll still attempt to tug them on though, hands shaking and fingers uncoordinated from emotion, face flushed with much the same. Maybe more.]
( Barely a marriage, this. Barely the conceit of it. Two arrogant children playing pretend with rites they are too immature to entertain. He knows his fault in this, knows the risks of the conversation they're not having.
And of continuing to avoid it.
Already, Wei Ying is planning his violent retreat, dragging his clothes on, exuding irritation that Lan Wangji can neither quantify, nor calm. He thinks to move, to lay a hand on him, to stop him. Stays beside Yuan, as if he draws strength from this child, this beautiful beacon of innocence, hanging.
And then finally, emptily, he says: )
I am not... as expedient as you. I require time. To think. Breathe. ( Be. ) I only ask that.
["Expedient". Ah, yes, once again this is about Wei Wuxian's lack of morals. Is Lan Zhan incapable of coming to terms with loving someone as evil as him?]
And then what? I don't know what you want, Lan Zhan. I don't know anymore.
What do you actually want from me? How must I give you that space?
[A demand as he whirls around, overcoat on his shoulders but no other layers added to his outfit. A demand punctuated by a cough because the wet clothes are definitely not helping with his health. He's stressed, tired, and intending to go out into the night and spend it under the stars like this. And he doesn't give a damn.]
( Shivering, wet, no better than a cat. A creature deprived the satisfaction of some degree of comfort, staring Lan Wangji down with the impassioned hatred of a mispurposed sun.
Still, Lan Wangji does not go to him. Cannot afford to intervene, to force him, when Wei Ying has spent so much of his time rushing away from such interventions. He will only flee faster, wish him farther away.
He will only begrudge him.
And Lan Wangji has so very tired of being begrudged, voice shedding octaves, deepening, heavy. )
...no matter. No matter, Wei Ying. The bed. We share the bed.
No, Lan Zhan. Not until you tell me. [He wants to share the bed so much, but with this much negativity between them, would it truly be a good sleep?
No, of course not.
He wants true companionship, true comfort, not... whatever Lan Zhan is attempting to give him, this concession that likely felt like he's pulling a water ghoul out from the riverbed.]
( He feels he has spoken the words before. Knows so, and that they landed ill, that they will not gladden Wei Ying now. Shakes his head, for once, to refuse him. Decides, in the end, not to presume. )
I want you to be happy. ( Here, in Cloud Recesses, beside him. With this child, collapsed and breathing heavily between them. With food in his belly and warmth breathing hard out of a brazier, and in a room possessed of finery.
Happy, here. Happy to be here. Happy, happy, happy, in ways Jiang Wanyin and his people can no longer facilitate. )
[That stops Wei Wuxian dead, striking him silent, mouth open and gaping. It's a lot like Lan Zhan's response to him last week, that he married Wei Wuxian because it made him happy. Lan Zhan, you idiot.
Wei Wuxian, you bigger idiot. He hates that he feels trickling along his cheeks, and turns his head to wipe his face with his still-damp sleeve. He shouldn't be crying, and pretends he isn't.
Then he nods, conceding the point.]
I will try, Lan Zhan.
But I think that you should stop attempting to put distance between us for no reason. Or. [A pause as he breathes.] Tell me why. And I can think instead of being angry about it immediately.
( He agrees, perhaps too simply. There is opportunity between them. A trickle of misunderstanding, a rivulet of silence. A vast sea of yearning so oppresaive, so great that Lan Wangji feels overwhelmed by his own want. Wholly drained.
This time he rises, crosses the distance. Lays his hand on Wei Ying's shoulder, first soft, then catching. Holds strong. Holds on.
And he says, only: )
Talk does not come easily. Shall learn, for Wei Ying. Be strong, as I do.
[Except the only way for Wei Wuxian to be strong on his own power is through demonic cultivation (gui dao, he reminds himself, people keep misspeaking its name, and it's getting harder to remember that it's not demonic), which Lan Zhan has already shown multiple times to hate.
Being strong is so difficult.
He reaches out, placing a hand on the small of his husband's back, and leaning in for a hug. One that puts their torsos together. Wei Wuxian leeches from Lan Zhan's warm, having gone this long with a damp overcoat, and now he's starting to shiver from the cold.
Idly, he wonders if Lan Zhan can feel his core-- rather, the lack thereof. He doesn't know, but he just realizes now that this position may just reveal his secret. Certainly not the way he imagined revealing it, but he doesn't know how to yet, anyway.]
( The wet of Wei Ying's clothes, he suspects, have slipped into his bones, slackened his limbs, left his skin gelid. Lan Wangji senses his weakness, his chills, and he draws both arms around his... husband, and he pulls him close. Indecent, by any count, but they're a wedded pair in the privacy of their home, and though Lan Wangji might wish Wei Ying's honor defended and their pledges screamed — this will do. It must do.
In the end, he scatters soft kisses over Wei Ying's brow, the top of his head. A strange angle, their height always too close for the gestures of easy, exceeding fondness he sees between men and wives at the market. No matter. No matter, he has enough.
What more can he ask for? This will do. This is enough. )
All I want is your happiness. Yet I fail. Will you teach me? ( How to do, how to speak, how to conceive of the things that bide Wei Ying's gladness. )
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Then, he remembers. The particular weight of those lips, the feeling of that tongue in his mouth, the taste.
Panting as he looks at Lan Zhan through a haze, he thinks he understands.]
Lan Zhan-- at the Baifeng mountain hunt... [That damn hunt. His martial sister and the peacock, and that noisy Jin and all those rumors.] That was you?
[Not a maiden, but Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan is a shy maiden?]
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But there is a scent, a likeness, a force only Lan Wangji may impose, and he has betrayed himself. So close, he can see the silvered glimmer of Wei Ying's gem-shining eyes, the dark umbrage of his lashes. Wants to kiss him again, to silence Lan Wangji's own heart, and Wei Ying's mouth.
He should learn to lie, urgently and feverishly. Can't. Takes a step back, then another, staring — back nearly stumbling into the privacy screen, gently rattling it. )
Let us return to Yuan.
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He's so stunned that he doesn't know what to do when Lan Zhan moves away, except follow him like a lost puppy. Lan Zhan? Kissed him? Why? He's so reserved, and he doesn't like touching people. He doesn't like people, in general. So why would he do that? Then Wei Wuxian thinks back to their wedding day, their elopement and the discussion they had after. He can only imagine that Lan Zhan did it not only because Wei Wuxian wanted it, but so did he.
That's just...
Returning to Yuan's side, Wei Wuxian buries his face into Lan Zhan's shoulder.]
Don't push me away, or pull back. Just let me be here for a moment.
[He needs a little time to understand this, to adjust his entire worldview. Because things have changed now that he knows this one thing.
lan Zhan likes him. More than, in fact.]
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He breathes with it. Shutters his eyes. Is, is, is. And startles himself apart and awake, stirring only to peel himself away from the proposition of falling asleep like this, too well comforted. Before him, Yuan has already jumped to that conclusion.
They sit, on the edge of the bed, in perfect, unadulterated stillness. Then, his hand fishes back to clutch Wei Ying's, clumsy. )
You catch cold easier than before. ( Wei Ying's golden core must be no match for the chills of Cloud Recesses. )
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Would it be worth asking Lan Zhan how long he's held this torch? When it was lit?
No, perhaps not. Wei Wuxian would just be consumed by guilt and sadness because of all the time they lost, and the childhood they lost when they could have been more than just friends. They could have had more than three bows in their normal clothes. Then he might run out of the Jingshi and into the cold, and then he'd expire without his golden core to save him from the elements. Make Lan Zhan a widower a week after their marriage, and Yuan an orphan. Again.
That's one thing he has to come clean about, isn't it? He's not sure if he can do it right now, unless Lan Zhan pushes.]
Sunshot wasn't kind to me. [Sunshot, not his cultivation.]
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And yet here Wei Ying is, standing despite everything. A creature of loss and grief and unmistakable triumph, of beauty beyond compare. This hand that squeezes his own is cold, but Lan Wangji's core thrums strong, and his blood warms for two.
He catches his husband's wan, sickly hand, and brings it up between his two, carefully applying friction, and breathing hotly against the fingertips. Once. Again. Whatever their relationship, whatever the day's revelations, what little or much Wei Ying may want of him — friend, foe or lover, Lan Wangji can always offer this. )
It's only one hand. ( Murmured, far too quiet. Beside them, Yuan snores reedily. ) I have two.
( He can bear this burden for both. )
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Such a strong, caring husband and father. [He kisses Lan Zhan's temple.]
But Lan Zhan, I can take care of myself too. [Even without a golden core, and even if he sets the demonic cultivation that his husband hates so much, he can do something.] No one can beat me when it comes to talismans.
Don't shoulder everything yourself, or you will make your husband cry.
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( Purposeful, proud. Perhaps, in its own way, mean. He speaks ill of Wei Ying, of his motives, because was it not mere days ago that this same vaunted Patriarch refused Lan Wangji the pleasure of his company? That he rejected orthodoxy and every step along the righteous path?
It has not been Lan Wangji who has sought distance, but Wei Ying who has proudly, unerringly requested it. Who has softened now, but retains his glacial manner, to call upon at a whim.
Still, Lan Wangji does not relinquish his hand, brings it up to his mouth again. Gives it its rightful worship. )
Sleep. I shall take the floor. ( Better, after the latest revelation, to bide Wei Ying some privacy for himself and his thoughts. )
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You will be in bed with me. We spoke about this before.
[Wei Wuxian uses a tone that brooks no argument. He wants his husband sleeping beside him, in his bed where he should be, rather than on the floor. Wei Wuxian is many things, but not so boorish as to demand a host sleep on the floor while his guest takes the bed.]
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Before an innocent visit, barely tarnished by scant kisses, became a marriage in both formality and expectations. Now, strangely, with their bonds known — they should be more distant. Now, they should take their precautions, lest they wound their hearts. )
Will have a second bed brought tomorrow. ( Only, in truth, one evening's discomfort. Cloud Recesses is not so impoverished that they cannot afford such accommodations, no matter the toll of war. )
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No, we will sleep on one bed, together. [He stands, clenching his fists, shaking but trying to hold in his grief.]
If you insist keeping your distance for the entirety of my stay, then I might as well return to Yiling right now-- there is no point in putting up with this for a week. Who would ever want their husband to stay away from them for no reason after being asked to come?
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And so, he snatches his abandoned hand away, staring up where Wei Ying is already looming, without fear or falter. )
Is my company worth nothing?
( That it should be so readily relinquished, if it does not come adorned in kisses and commitments. )
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It's worth everything! I come here willingly for you, at your invitation, and I indulge all of your requests-- and now suddenly you don't want to share space with me? You don't want to touch me?
You make me want your company and then strip it away? You treat me like I'm filthy and unwanted now that I know how you feel?
It hurts. [His breath comes out as a wheeze from the effort of keeping himself contained, the rant unpleasant in his chest and throat. The cold in the Cloud Recesses is difficult enough to handle, but he's also still quite tired from the trip from the Burial Mounds.]
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Between them, Yuan curls up abed, showing faint signs of stirring that only the immediate brush of Lan Wangji's warm hand calms. Soothing, gently easing, sinking back to sleep.
His glance turns away to Wei Ying once more, gilded but gelid. )
Will you be satisfied, having wrenched this from my hands?
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[His words are spiteful and angry-- and a lie. He was already thinking deeply about it, and coming to terms. And thinking back to the time that he imagined it would be all right that he married Lan Zhan, that he could come to love that man the way a proper spouse should. He has all these words, and yet doesn't speak them.
He starts to stride towards his clothes, left near the privacy screen, folded messily but out of the way. Still a bit wet from his escapades in helping Yuan bathe, and the drying not helped by the way they were handled. The overcoat itself is drenched and unfit for keeping anyone warm.
He'll still attempt to tug them on though, hands shaking and fingers uncoordinated from emotion, face flushed with much the same. Maybe more.]
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And of continuing to avoid it.
Already, Wei Ying is planning his violent retreat, dragging his clothes on, exuding irritation that Lan Wangji can neither quantify, nor calm. He thinks to move, to lay a hand on him, to stop him. Stays beside Yuan, as if he draws strength from this child, this beautiful beacon of innocence, hanging.
And then finally, emptily, he says: )
I am not... as expedient as you. I require time. To think. Breathe. ( Be. ) I only ask that.
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And then what? I don't know what you want, Lan Zhan. I don't know anymore.
What do you actually want from me? How must I give you that space?
[A demand as he whirls around, overcoat on his shoulders but no other layers added to his outfit. A demand punctuated by a cough because the wet clothes are definitely not helping with his health. He's stressed, tired, and intending to go out into the night and spend it under the stars like this. And he doesn't give a damn.]
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Still, Lan Wangji does not go to him. Cannot afford to intervene, to force him, when Wei Ying has spent so much of his time rushing away from such interventions. He will only flee faster, wish him farther away.
He will only begrudge him.
And Lan Wangji has so very tired of being begrudged, voice shedding octaves, deepening, heavy. )
...no matter. No matter, Wei Ying. The bed. We share the bed.
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No, of course not.
He wants true companionship, true comfort, not... whatever Lan Zhan is attempting to give him, this concession that likely felt like he's pulling a water ghoul out from the riverbed.]
Tell me-- what do you truly want from me?
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I want you to be happy. ( Here, in Cloud Recesses, beside him. With this child, collapsed and breathing heavily between them. With food in his belly and warmth breathing hard out of a brazier, and in a room possessed of finery.
Happy, here. Happy to be here. Happy, happy, happy, in ways Jiang Wanyin and his people can no longer facilitate. )
That is all.
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Wei Wuxian, you bigger idiot. He hates that he feels trickling along his cheeks, and turns his head to wipe his face with his still-damp sleeve. He shouldn't be crying, and pretends he isn't.
Then he nods, conceding the point.]
I will try, Lan Zhan.
But I think that you should stop attempting to put distance between us for no reason. Or. [A pause as he breathes.] Tell me why. And I can think instead of being angry about it immediately.
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( He agrees, perhaps too simply. There is opportunity between them. A trickle of misunderstanding, a rivulet of silence. A vast sea of yearning so oppresaive, so great that Lan Wangji feels overwhelmed by his own want. Wholly drained.
This time he rises, crosses the distance. Lays his hand on Wei Ying's shoulder, first soft, then catching. Holds strong. Holds on.
And he says, only: )
Talk does not come easily. Shall learn, for Wei Ying. Be strong, as I do.
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For you.
[Except the only way for Wei Wuxian to be strong on his own power is through demonic cultivation (gui dao, he reminds himself, people keep misspeaking its name, and it's getting harder to remember that it's not demonic), which Lan Zhan has already shown multiple times to hate.
Being strong is so difficult.
He reaches out, placing a hand on the small of his husband's back, and leaning in for a hug. One that puts their torsos together. Wei Wuxian leeches from Lan Zhan's warm, having gone this long with a damp overcoat, and now he's starting to shiver from the cold.
Idly, he wonders if Lan Zhan can feel his core-- rather, the lack thereof. He doesn't know, but he just realizes now that this position may just reveal his secret. Certainly not the way he imagined revealing it, but he doesn't know how to yet, anyway.]
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In the end, he scatters soft kisses over Wei Ying's brow, the top of his head. A strange angle, their height always too close for the gestures of easy, exceeding fondness he sees between men and wives at the market. No matter. No matter, he has enough.
What more can he ask for? This will do. This is enough. )
All I want is your happiness. Yet I fail. Will you teach me? ( How to do, how to speak, how to conceive of the things that bide Wei Ying's gladness. )
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But since Lan Zhan deserves an answer...]
Few things make me happy nowadays. That is simply the way the world has turned out to be, and neither of us can change it.
[He tucks his face into the crook of Lan Zhan's neck, even if it's a bit of a pain on his own.]
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