[Wei Wuxian grumbles softly, wordlessly as his teeth find Lan Zhan's upper lip and nibbles on it. He feels a bit like his shidi with all the grumping and grumbling he's been doing recently.]
You can apologize to me by not assuming I don't want any of this. [Stupid idiot, acting like Wei Wuxian wasn't the one who insisted on marriage. He tugs on Lan Zhan's robes harder.]
if I didn't want any of it, none of it would have happened. I would have put a talisman on you and left immediately.
( There is a strange exhilaration in it, knowing now that Wei Ying is, if not powerless, then certainly less equipped to dislodge his attentions. That he can press his point shamelessly, within the confines of their mutual enjoyment.
Still, he takes Wei Ying's hands in his own, gently but insistently peeling them off Lan Wangji's robes, even as he kisses him again, and again, and again. Unendingly. )
Keep cool-headed. We cannot proceed. ( And softer, before Wei Ying might accuse him: ) Yuan, too close.
[Now he growls, still half-feral and entirely frustrated. He grabs Lan Zhan's hand, refusing to completely let him go, or to allow him to move away.
But Yuan is always a good reason for him to stand down, even if he's not pleased about it. He'll find some way to make Lan Zhan as frustrated as him though, because he's not above being petty.]
Then promise me: tomorrow, after we leave him with your brother for the night. [A pause as he hungrily chases another kiss.] If you disagree, spell me to silence right now so I'll be silent the entire time.
( He forgets himself. This is the truth of it: whatever his suffering, whatever entitlement arising from it, Wei Ying cannot presume to think that he can simply do as he pleases at every turn.
And so it behooves Lan Wangji to play the rare disciplinarian, lifting his trapped hands to bracket Wei Ying's cheeks and bring him sternly into a firm kiss intended to end the rising rebellion. )
Tomorrow. ( And so they're clear: ) No silence spell. I enjoy Wei Ying's voice.
Tomorrow. [Wei Wuxian is in agreement, and he finally lets go of Lan Zhan's hands. If he didn't, he might have jumped the man right then and there.
He already has such poor self-control on a good day, no need to tempt him even more, even if he's plotting to subtly bully Lan Zhan for neglecting him so.]
( Coming apart is somehow more challenging than coming together. He does, to respect Wei Ying's wishes, his strategic want for distance. But he shakes his head too, refusing a speedy withdrawal. Hold. Hold on, now. )
We should yet speak. ( No. A slight correction, his voice gravelly. ) I should speak.
( After all, however much he enjoys Wei Ying's voice — he makes a cutting weapon of it too often and too well. )
But you must... be patient with my failings. Agreed?
[There's more? He thought that would be the end of it, Lan Zhan wanting a quick,dirty kiss before they part again. Seems like "talk" is not a metaphor for something else entirely, and is exactly what it is.
So he tucks his hands into his sleeves and chews on his lower lip as he mulls over what Lan Zhan has just asked of him.]
As long as you don't pull me around to do whatever you want and then push me away again. [Definitely insistent on reiterating what he said earlier.] I am not a toy that you can just use and then set aside without fuss when you're done.
( They are at least minimally polite as they extract themselves, and some part of the storm seems to have dissipated. There is a gentle, calming ease that can settle between them, without resentment, without strings attached.
He nods, calmly, hands binding behind his back, assuming the general rigid posture of Cloud Recesses. )
I do not... speak as well as you. As rapidly. ( As passionately, as quickly to find and seek words. ) Bide me time to answer, when accused.
[A scowl appears on Wei Wuxian's face, but it disappears almost as quickly as it appeared.]
All right. [He knows words aren't Lan Zhan's best suit, and he has to be patient, even if he is no good at that.
Perhaps he should dredge up an old, annoying habit of his-- asking why. Perhaps it would prove to be less annoying in the context of his marriage and make it less... well. Tempestuous.]
Just... don't assume I have no regard for you. [Hah. "Regard". What a nice euphemism. It's not even close to what he feels, but he doesn't want to say what he feels because he's embarrassed.] I care. ... I care, you know. For this. For us. For you.
( Do not assume. Do not assume, yet how can he not? In matters of gentleness, of high regard, Wei Ying is now like a drunkard who cannot rightfully spell his own path. What trust is there to have him in?
Still, he measures his words — and to help them both, raises a hand, palm outward, already staying Wei Ying's interjections. )
I do not think you deceitful. ( That which he should have said first, previously, to dismiss Wei Ying's doubts. A fair caveat. )
I question if... you have not persuaded yourself. ( Deceived yourself. ) That this kindness is all that you deserve.
( That there can be no member of another clan who will not treat Wei Ying as or more fairly. That this is all that he can hope for, from any man. What a wretched conclusion. )
Therefore, rewarding it with affection unearned. ( His hand comes shakily down, allowing Wei Ying to intervene. )
[Wei Wuxian pinches the bridge of his nose, right between his brows. he feels a headache coming on because damn this stubborn, unbending man. He hates this conversation so much.]
I told you-- if I genuinely wanted it, I would be doing it. If I didn't want to, there's no way you would have been able to get me to do it. How can you look at me constantly throwing myself at you and think that I'm doing this because this is all I can hope for? That I'm settling?
Ugh. You frustrate me. Why can't you just believe me when I show that I want you?
( At least Wei Ying offers him patience, the chance to speak his troubled mind. Rare, if gladly welcome opportunity. He nods along to signal, if not his approval, then certainly his understanding.
Wei Ying wants to be heard. It is his right, for a man over whom sects whole have spoken time and time again. )
Because for years you did not. ( Calm, reasonable. ) The change appears — aligned. With hurt.
Then again, Wei Wuxian did not notice his own feelings for years either. But now he does, and even if he's unsure of how to say such things without seeming so sappy, he knows better now.
He crosses his arms over his chest.]
How do you explain all of my attempts at catching your attention when we were young, then? [Classic pigtail-pulling, now that he really thinks about it. Especially that time with the yellow book.]
( He startles himself with his own incredulity, gaze troubled, eyes dilated. He sees Wei Ying and hears him and wishes, above all, not to injure his feelings or his pride.
He holds out his hand in honesty, in kindness. )
One teases and taunts to amuse or ridicule. ( Surely, Wei Ying cannot be unfamiliar with the purpose of base human behaviors. )
( It strikes him, not for the first time and not unfondly, that Wei Ying must think himself clear and open and readily understood. That he sees neither the quandary, nor the impossible contradiction behind his own words, that Lan Wangji's confusion must seem dreary and foolish.
And so he replays his own words, pays granular attention to each of the ones exiting Wei Ying's precious mouth. Then, finally: )
I do not understand.
( Better, he thinks, than rousing Wei Ying's anger through misplaced assumptions. )
[His dear, dear Lan Zhan. Of course he doesn't understand, he had no friends until Wei Wuxian came along. And the Lan sect is segregated by sex, he doesn't think the young ones even managed to do all those silly little things boys and girls do when they're young, stupid, and still learning how the world works.
So it's the job of this husband to elaborate.]
Some idiot boys like to pull the hair of girls not to bully them, but because they like them. [Wei Wuxian reaches out to tug the edge of Lan Zhan's sleeve for emphasis.] I was much the same with you. The showing off, the rabbits, the flowers... I was doing all of that to catch your attention.
And why? I never got that far in my reasoning until we married.
[Here comes the hard part. He wants to keep this to himself because he doesn't like revealing feelings, but Lan Zhan... It's Lan Zhan, he tells himself.]
But my feelings towards you are true. On the day of our wedding, I thought that I'd easily be able to share my bed with you. It's because I... like you, Lan Zhan.
[His voice gets soft towards the end, much softer than it had ever been before, and his grip around the sleeve tightens.]
( Some... idiot boys. Pulling hair to signal — ...interest? What a strange arrangement, what a stranger still man. And then, Wei Ying hooks his fingers around his sleeve, Lan Wangji leans in to listen —
And it's all he can do to withhold himself from evaporating into the ether, his cheek and the tips of his ears flushed in ways only the dim light of the secluded room may shield. He nods, stiffly and a little slowed, at once overwhelmed and livened.
Wei Ying. His Wei Ying, who — likes him. Whom he likes in kind.
Wei Ying. )
...liked. By Wei Ying. ( His stupor will take some time to dissolve. )
( And is that a... joke? Has he succeeded? If his look weren't so gaunt and owlish, if he weren't entirely overwhelmed by the solidity of Wei Ying's affection, if this confession hadn't decimated him completely, perhaps he might speak with more elegance and gusto.
Instead, he's still blinking, still measuring his words, still watching Wei Ying as if he's a woodland spirit and Lan Wangji is his strange, undeserving keeper. He shakes his head. Steadies himself. Sits his hand on Wei Ying's waist and draws him near, and he cannot look at him, while he shames himself with fondness, chin sitting purposefully on the crown of his husband's head.
[Joke or not, Wei Wuxian at the very least manages to choke out a little laugh. Good enough.
He tucks his face into Lan Zhan's shoulder and breathes. He feels exhausted after all of this talking and baring of feelings. Is it over now? Lan Zhan has understood his feelings now, is the conversation over? He wants to go back to the main room now.]
Mmh. Married life is messy, Lan Zhan. But at least we can agree on that. [He'll cherish Lan Zhan too.]
( ...cherished. He is — cherished. His lover cherishes him. He cherishes his lover in kind. They have become these kinds of persons.
Dearest, his dearest, his beautiful man. His own. Oh, he has a person now. How strange to think the world of his possessions, until now restricted to association with Zewu-Jun and Cloud Recesses, has enlarged so much within a few heartbeats.
Aiya. I'm blaming you for this, you know! [He tugs on Lan Zhan's arm, still holding onto his sleeve.]
I would have liked something else to tire me out, but we had that talk instead.
Are you satisfied now? [He may whine, but Wei Wuxian is waiting with bated breath-- is the talk over? Are all the questions about his dedication to this relationship finally put to rest? They can stop fighting about this and move on?]
( Perhaps purposefully ambiguous: he will be satisfied then. Wei Ying, too, might infringe on contentment. They will meet then as married couples do, and they will enjoy each other, to the best of their ability.
Certainly, and he thinks on this as he starts to steer Wei Ying toward the main quarters, Lan Wangji will take advantage of his early rise to visit the library and equip himself with more knowledge of what is... expected. More love poems, perhaps. That will certainly give him the necessary education. )
[Wei Wuxian makes a strangled noise of vague frustration in his throat, but at least he doesn't start another fight. It's just more reason to subtly bully his husband in some manner.
Maybe he'll cling to him the entire night in bed and be very annoying to him. It might be impossible since he's not sure if he'd cling even while sleeping, but at the very least he'd try while he's still awake.]
Yes, yes. Now go change, and I'll go watch our son be cute.
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You can apologize to me by not assuming I don't want any of this. [Stupid idiot, acting like Wei Wuxian wasn't the one who insisted on marriage. He tugs on Lan Zhan's robes harder.]
if I didn't want any of it, none of it would have happened. I would have put a talisman on you and left immediately.
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( There is a strange exhilaration in it, knowing now that Wei Ying is, if not powerless, then certainly less equipped to dislodge his attentions. That he can press his point shamelessly, within the confines of their mutual enjoyment.
Still, he takes Wei Ying's hands in his own, gently but insistently peeling them off Lan Wangji's robes, even as he kisses him again, and again, and again. Unendingly. )
Keep cool-headed. We cannot proceed. ( And softer, before Wei Ying might accuse him: ) Yuan, too close.
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But Yuan is always a good reason for him to stand down, even if he's not pleased about it. He'll find some way to make Lan Zhan as frustrated as him though, because he's not above being petty.]
Then promise me: tomorrow, after we leave him with your brother for the night. [A pause as he hungrily chases another kiss.] If you disagree, spell me to silence right now so I'll be silent the entire time.
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And so it behooves Lan Wangji to play the rare disciplinarian, lifting his trapped hands to bracket Wei Ying's cheeks and bring him sternly into a firm kiss intended to end the rising rebellion. )
Tomorrow. ( And so they're clear: ) No silence spell. I enjoy Wei Ying's voice.
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He already has such poor self-control on a good day, no need to tempt him even more, even if he's plotting to subtly bully Lan Zhan for neglecting him so.]
Go get changed for bed, husband.
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We should yet speak. ( No. A slight correction, his voice gravelly. ) I should speak.
( After all, however much he enjoys Wei Ying's voice — he makes a cutting weapon of it too often and too well. )
But you must... be patient with my failings. Agreed?
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So he tucks his hands into his sleeves and chews on his lower lip as he mulls over what Lan Zhan has just asked of him.]
As long as you don't pull me around to do whatever you want and then push me away again. [Definitely insistent on reiterating what he said earlier.] I am not a toy that you can just use and then set aside without fuss when you're done.
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He nods, calmly, hands binding behind his back, assuming the general rigid posture of Cloud Recesses. )
I do not... speak as well as you. As rapidly. ( As passionately, as quickly to find and seek words. ) Bide me time to answer, when accused.
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All right. [He knows words aren't Lan Zhan's best suit, and he has to be patient, even if he is no good at that.
Perhaps he should dredge up an old, annoying habit of his-- asking why. Perhaps it would prove to be less annoying in the context of his marriage and make it less... well. Tempestuous.]
Just... don't assume I have no regard for you. [Hah. "Regard". What a nice euphemism. It's not even close to what he feels, but he doesn't want to say what he feels because he's embarrassed.] I care. ... I care, you know. For this. For us. For you.
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Still, he measures his words — and to help them both, raises a hand, palm outward, already staying Wei Ying's interjections. )
I do not think you deceitful. ( That which he should have said first, previously, to dismiss Wei Ying's doubts. A fair caveat. )
I question if... you have not persuaded yourself. ( Deceived yourself. ) That this kindness is all that you deserve.
( That there can be no member of another clan who will not treat Wei Ying as or more fairly. That this is all that he can hope for, from any man. What a wretched conclusion. )
Therefore, rewarding it with affection unearned. ( His hand comes shakily down, allowing Wei Ying to intervene. )
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I told you-- if I genuinely wanted it, I would be doing it. If I didn't want to, there's no way you would have been able to get me to do it. How can you look at me constantly throwing myself at you and think that I'm doing this because this is all I can hope for? That I'm settling?
Ugh. You frustrate me. Why can't you just believe me when I show that I want you?
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Wei Ying wants to be heard. It is his right, for a man over whom sects whole have spoken time and time again. )
Because for years you did not. ( Calm, reasonable. ) The change appears — aligned. With hurt.
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Then again, Wei Wuxian did not notice his own feelings for years either. But now he does, and even if he's unsure of how to say such things without seeming so sappy, he knows better now.
He crosses his arms over his chest.]
How do you explain all of my attempts at catching your attention when we were young, then? [Classic pigtail-pulling, now that he really thinks about it. Especially that time with the yellow book.]
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He holds out his hand in honesty, in kindness. )
One teases and taunts to amuse or ridicule. ( Surely, Wei Ying cannot be unfamiliar with the purpose of base human behaviors. )
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Aiya. [That exclamation is full of dismay. It's clear that he has to explain things.] It's clear you've never spent much time around older children.
Some children, or childlike idiots, tease the people they like because they don't know how else to express themselves.
I do it to my shidi all the time! But not in the same way I do to you.
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And so he replays his own words, pays granular attention to each of the ones exiting Wei Ying's precious mouth. Then, finally: )
I do not understand.
( Better, he thinks, than rousing Wei Ying's anger through misplaced assumptions. )
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So it's the job of this husband to elaborate.]
Some idiot boys like to pull the hair of girls not to bully them, but because they like them. [Wei Wuxian reaches out to tug the edge of Lan Zhan's sleeve for emphasis.] I was much the same with you. The showing off, the rabbits, the flowers... I was doing all of that to catch your attention.
And why? I never got that far in my reasoning until we married.
[Here comes the hard part. He wants to keep this to himself because he doesn't like revealing feelings, but Lan Zhan... It's Lan Zhan, he tells himself.]
But my feelings towards you are true. On the day of our wedding, I thought that I'd easily be able to share my bed with you. It's because I... like you, Lan Zhan.
[His voice gets soft towards the end, much softer than it had ever been before, and his grip around the sleeve tightens.]
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And it's all he can do to withhold himself from evaporating into the ether, his cheek and the tips of his ears flushed in ways only the dim light of the secluded room may shield. He nods, stiffly and a little slowed, at once overwhelmed and livened.
Wei Ying. His Wei Ying, who — likes him. Whom he likes in kind.
Wei Ying. )
...liked. By Wei Ying. ( His stupor will take some time to dissolve. )
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He did catch how Lan Zhan looked though, his ears turning so red, like white rice drenched in chili oil. Endearing.
He wishes he could see it again, and probably in a situation that doesn't involve him embarrassing himself.]
Say something other than that...!
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( And is that a... joke? Has he succeeded? If his look weren't so gaunt and owlish, if he weren't entirely overwhelmed by the solidity of Wei Ying's affection, if this confession hadn't decimated him completely, perhaps he might speak with more elegance and gusto.
Instead, he's still blinking, still measuring his words, still watching Wei Ying as if he's a woodland spirit and Lan Wangji is his strange, undeserving keeper. He shakes his head. Steadies himself. Sits his hand on Wei Ying's waist and draws him near, and he cannot look at him, while he shames himself with fondness, chin sitting purposefully on the crown of his husband's head.
Like this, they are both spared. )
Cherish Wei Ying.
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He tucks his face into Lan Zhan's shoulder and breathes. He feels exhausted after all of this talking and baring of feelings. Is it over now? Lan Zhan has understood his feelings now, is the conversation over? He wants to go back to the main room now.]
Mmh. Married life is messy, Lan Zhan. But at least we can agree on that. [He'll cherish Lan Zhan too.]
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Dearest, his dearest, his beautiful man. His own. Oh, he has a person now. How strange to think the world of his possessions, until now restricted to association with Zewu-Jun and Cloud Recesses, has enlarged so much within a few heartbeats.
At long last, he lets Wei Ying go. )
Come sleep. Quarrel has worn out my bride.
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I would have liked something else to tire me out, but we had that talk instead.
Are you satisfied now? [He may whine, but Wei Wuxian is waiting with bated breath-- is the talk over? Are all the questions about his dedication to this relationship finally put to rest? They can stop fighting about this and move on?]
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( Perhaps purposefully ambiguous: he will be satisfied then. Wei Ying, too, might infringe on contentment. They will meet then as married couples do, and they will enjoy each other, to the best of their ability.
Certainly, and he thinks on this as he starts to steer Wei Ying toward the main quarters, Lan Wangji will take advantage of his early rise to visit the library and equip himself with more knowledge of what is... expected. More love poems, perhaps. That will certainly give him the necessary education. )
Be good.
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Maybe he'll cling to him the entire night in bed and be very annoying to him. It might be impossible since he's not sure if he'd cling even while sleeping, but at the very least he'd try while he's still awake.]
Yes, yes. Now go change, and I'll go watch our son be cute.
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